I have not done great this week with my daily reading of the Word, but I will say that my conviction has not lessened. I am slowly becoming more active on these convictions where I will just stop what I'm doing and just have my quiet time with God- not every times mind you, but it's getting there. I still need to stop making these excuses in my head, though, and this is what I am going to reflect on. Thoughts.
I fall prey to the sin of my own thinking. Sometimes I feel like if anyone could hear my thoughts they would see me as such an awful person. But right there is flaw. For one, God knows my thoughts, so I should be just as ashamed if not more so with others, and two, I care too much about what others think. I'm the classic "people pleaser". A friend of mine loaned me a book after we were talking about this "fear of man" many of us struggle with, and I've slowly began to read it (I'm more of a leisure reader of fiction- if I have time/make time to read, easy reading fiction is my first choice). It's called When People are Big and God is Small by Edward T. Welch. In the introduction, the author goes on to describe very similar experiences that I had from my school years and on. In fact, just the other day, I had the classic middle school worry of if I was walking funny and what others might be thinking about how I walk. So silly, but we all think it one time or another- what do people really think about me. The common remedy for this affliction that the author also talked about trying is the classic thought of "who cares!" The basic line of defense as a believer is the thought that "I have already measured up because of what Christ did for me. He loves me, and He has made me righteous, not others." Like the author I have found the mental recitation of this line to myself not holding much stability for the long haul. But through God's Word there is another way out of this strangling mind set (I have to read more of the book to find out, but I'll keep you posted, those of you who struggle with this same crippling "fear of man").
I believe these self-esteem problems begin, though, with our thoughts. I'm a very introspective from day to day; often "rehearsing" conversations and reflecting back on discussions (yes, out loud, in my car- I'm sure other drivers think I'm crazy having a full conversation with myself). This may be why many people post uplifting and inspiring quotes. I love quotes as much as the next person (or should I say as the next teacher; we love quotes... and pinterest), but at some point aren't we just trying to fill our thoughts with positivity to make ourselves feel better? When I put it that way, it sounds so selfish- like a shallow, unexamined life of self-destruction. I can't just think positivity all the time; I'm a human, a sinner, like us all, who will eventually fall short. My pastor asked a question (that I found written down on one of my many bulletins) that says "What is going to keep you from believing your own nonsense?" Naturally, apart from God's grace, our tendency is to push aside and "suppress" the truth thinking that we can make our own decisions. Of course we can't. All we need to do for proof of this is to look at the imperfections in our history and society. We need God's Word and other believers around us in order to block out our own nonsensical "solutions".
Hebrews 4:12-13 "For the Word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit , and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
My own discernment is nothing compared to the creator's and my Savior who took care of my biggest problem through His death on the cross. One of the other awesome quotes that I wrote down also ties into this idea of our thoughts - "If you do not control your thinking, you will begin to lose control of your actions." My thoughts are a dangerous pathway to destruction either in hurtful words I may say or actual actions. I need this daily reminder, and I need to continue to dive into God's Word daily because if not I will start believing the nonsense of my own thinking.
Colossians 3:2 "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."
